JP Roy's Brain Words

Size Matters

Whether I am running around a medieval kingdom like Westeros or just walking around the Upper East Side of Manhattan I would look pretty bad ass with a huge scary looking monster dog at my side. 

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I’ve always loved big dogs, not just because they cause serious damage as warrior pets, but because I’m a man, a big dumb man who likes explosions and 1980’s Chuck Norris.

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Almost two years ago I started dating a girl that had a Yorkie. Against every fiber of my being I found myself getting attached to it. Maybe it was her silky soft fur, or her one floppy ear, or the fact that it turns out all dogs are pretty fucking great, as long as I’m not 8 and they aren’t chewing on my brand new remote control cop car. I still miss that cop car.

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At first I felt a bit self-conscious walking around the city with this little 6.2 pounder, but I quickly realized it was the most manly thing I could be doing. After all, what is more manly than being man enough to not give a sweet fuck what anyone thinks about you? Fighting Fires? yes, probably…but its still pretty manly. Also, every other woman that walks by looks at her like she just discovered true love. Last time I checked, the love and adoration of women is something most men want super hard.

I could tell you that Yorkie’s were originally created to protect the lunchboxes of steel workers in England, or that at least one Yorkie saved some lives being a bad ass in WWII (see link below), but at the end of the day you can’t judge a dog by its size, well you can, but you aren’t always right.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/17/smoky-the-yorkshire-terrier_n_4110586.html

Soccer is the devil, right?

My parents don’t like Rap music. My grandparents didn’t like rock music. My Great-grandparents probably never heard of music. Without a doubt a huge reason for all of these things is that they were not around for them to accept as part of daily life from a young age. Rap music became popular when my mother was in her 30s and for that reason she couldn’t relate. The idea of a “crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube” coming at her from some place called Compton did nothing but confuse and irritate her. And why wouldn’t it? She was born in to Tennessee Ernie Ford, weened on The Beatles and Became an adult with Donna Summer. Im pretty sure none of those guys popped any caps in to any asses, although Ernie Ford did get pretty passionate about Goober Peas (aka boiled peanuts, which he murdered on vinyl)…

The MLS was founded in 1994, and nobody gave a fuck. Now 20 years later more and more people are getting on the futbol bandwagon, as they should, because its a beautiful game that is filled with nuance, tension, skill and ferocity on the level of any major sport that exists.Not to mention some seriously enigmatic stars (I dont care what you say, I like Clint Dempsey AKA Deuce’s rap game). The numbers are growing, the league is becoming more profitable, and contracts with ESPN mean more people can actually watch the games on TV. Despite all of this, my Facebook news feed and daily life feed is filled with the kind of animosity usually reserved for Al Qaeda and Justin Bieber. Why? WHYYY!? Is it the no hands thing? Is it that Cristiano Ronaldo makes men question their sexuality? Is it the Quads? It might be the Quads…these guys have crazy huge quads. 

Ohhhh, you know what….maybe its…fear of the unknown!? Nahh, too easy, but wait…surprise, surprise, polls show kids between 12 and 17 consider it their second favorite sport behind only American football. (Google it ya fucks)

Q: Wait, were these kids born after the MLS was already a thing?

A:YUP!

Q:So for their entire lives, soccer just existed, to watch and play?

A: YUP!

Huh, I can’t believe it could be that simple. Ummm, oh wait, I can. It only makes sense that seeing the MLS as a part of life from childhood is going to increase its level of acceptance. Sure, gaining acceptance that way is not always a good thing (see Justin Bieber, although I will admit to loving his early dance moves). Rap and Rock music pissed off the old guard, but ultimately they enhanced our lives, and so will Soccer. As a 30 year old dude, I am almost a part of the soccer generation, and Im happy to be this close to it. It feels good to embrace change sometimes, even my mom said this about The Sugarhill Gang’s Rappers Delight,  ”It sure does have a nice beat!” 

So when it comes to Soccer in America, I’ll quote Kevin Garnett, another fan of the game, and say “ANYTHING IS POSSSIIIIBUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLL!!!!” Except Soccer is inevitable, DEAL WITH IT BROS!

Mocking Dolphin

If you look closely at this dolphin chasing the boat I was on in my recent trip to Tampa you can clearly see him mocking me for thinking any of my jokes or artistic endeavors could be more popular than a silly dolphin loop. Thank you for humbling me via cinemagram likes wise dolphin!


(Taken with http://cinemagr.am)

areasofmyexpertise:

The sign that proudly ignores two decades of snobby NY Times language columns. (at Des Moines International Airport (DSM))

areasofmyexpertise:

The sign that proudly ignores two decades of snobby NY Times language columns. (at Des Moines International Airport (DSM))

areasofmyexpertise:

This product is for those who refuse to go to the public eyelid wipe stations, no matter what Obamacare orders them to do.

areasofmyexpertise:

This product is for those who refuse to go to the public eyelid wipe stations, no matter what Obamacare orders them to do.